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Zajemati pri vodnjaku življenja

· Osebno · 20

Začel se je delati mrak in bila sem nekje med jezo in jokom. Dogodki preteklega dne so v meni zbudili nekaj globoko žalostnega, kar pa se je moralo prečistiti še skozi plast jeze. Tam okrog želodca sem čutila kepo. Veliko in težko in nikakor je nisem imela namena zadržati v telesu. Hoditi, zadihati se, bojevati. To me je klicalo.

Kot že tolikokrat prej, se tudi to pot v meni prebudi bojevnica. Bojevitost tiste vrste, ki samo gre, ruši in koplje ne glede na vse. To potrebujem. Tako sem se naučila. Pravila in smer so jasna, moja naloga pa je, da čim hitreje premagam dano pot in vse njene prepreke ter pridem na cilj. 

Hodim. Hlastam za vsakim naslednjim korakom. Komaj še lovim sapo in čutim, da ne delam drugega, kot ženem svoje telo. Želim ga izčrpati, utruditi, saj se bodo na ta način izčrpala tudi moja čutenja. Hkrati pa želim čim hitreje doseči vrh in čimprej spustiti vse.

Bojujem se naprej. Dopovedujem si, da je to resen boj. Boj z žalostjo in jezo, boj s tisto kepo in boj s tem hribom ter vsako korenino in stopnico na poti. Prispem do prve klopce pred vrhom, od tam je razgled najlepši. Spet se bojujem. Saj sem vendar bojevnica. Dilema. Postati, si privoščiti nekaj zraka, dovoliti srcu, da najde mirnejši ritem, se naužiti razgleda na oddaljene luči mesta in zvezdno nebo, ali nadaljevati k cilju, ki je osvojen vrh in konec boja?

Pa bom tam na vrhu res nehala biti svoje bitke? Bo jeza odšla in bo žalost lahko zajokala? Obstojim. Priznam si, da včasih ne zmorem več. Ne zmorem več biti svojih naučenih bojev, da bi se skrila pred pravo resnico. Prisluhnem šumenju dreves in ptičjemu žgolenju. Opazujem lučke v daljavi. Vdihnem svež večerni pomladni zrak. Dvignem pogled in strmim v drobne luči nad mano. Utrip se umiri. Zajokam. Bojevnica v meni se počasi sesede.

Rodi se misel: »Samo človek sem.«

Potreba po boju odpade. Zaščita, ki jo gradim okrog sebe, kadar boli, se začne topiti.

»Njegova ljubljena hči sem. Ustvarjena po Njegovi podobi.«

Objame me milostno čutenje stvarstva. Njegova ljubezen, ki je vseprisotna. V objemu večera, sijaju zvezd, vonju cvetlic, skovikanju sove in šumenju mojih korakov na gozdni poti.

On me ljubi in sprejema. Pristno in pravo mene, z vsem, kar sem. Brez mask. Sedaj je na meni, da dopustim Ljubezni, da se me dotakne. Da spustim maske in zaščite. Objamem jih. Bojevnico, prestrašeno deklico, žalostno žensko, sebe polno želja, milo, divjo, odprto svetu in zaprto vase. Vse te podobe žensk živijo v meni, del mene so in sedaj so sprejete. Ko jih sprejmem, se lahko umaknejo nazaj v svoj prostor, ne potrebujejo živeti skozi celo mene.

Kdo sem, kadar se borim in ne pustim, da bi me Njegova ljubezen lahko objela?

Tujka sem. Živim tuja prepričanja, potrebe in želje. Pozabim, da mi je bilo podarjeno čudovito darilo – moje življenje. Ne življenje moje sosede, prijateljice, sodelavke. Moje življenje, iz Njegove ljubezni do mene. Živeti ga, je dar in dolžnost. Hvaležna sem, da ga lahko živim! Da lahko živim in užijem vsak trenutek poti, da lahko zajemam iz vodnjaka, ki napaja vsak moj korak. Cilj ni osvojiti vodnjaka. Vodnjak življenja mi je že podarjen. Cilj je, da ne pozabim zajemati te žive vode na vsakem koraku svoje poti življenja.

Pij vodo iz svojega vodnjaka, studenčnico iz svojega studenca.
Naj se tvoji zbirniki raztekajo naokrog, vodna korita na trge.
Naj bodo samo tvoji, naj ne bodo tvoji in obenem tuji.
Naj bo blagoslovljen tvoj vrelec. (Prg 5,15–18)

Estera Burgar je diplomirana vzgojiteljica predšolskih otrok in študentka pomoči z umetnostjo. Večna raziskovalka življenja in sopotnica ženskam, ki iščejo globje. Zaljubljena v morje, zvezde, cvetje, zgodbe, gledališče, glasbo, kavo in lepo besedo. Verjame, da je življenje ples, ki nas vsak dan znova kliče, da zaslišimo melodijo in ujamemo ritem, ki nam je namenjen v danem trenutku ter v to, da prav vsakdo v sebi nosi številna darila, ki jih je vredno odpirati, saj kličejo po tem, da pridemo bližje k sebi in Njemu. 

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